Lost Cell Phone

Sent: Tuesday, July 29, 2008 3:43 PMSubject:
Small blue Samsung cell phone found in ladies' restroom. If lost, please see Cristal to retrieve. thank you.

Reply:
It just so happens that I have lost my small blue Samsung phone. It would not surprise me in the least if it was found in the ladies room, as women often suffer from the co-morbid conditions of kleptomania and misplaced cell phone syndrome. Hence, stolen phones are often recovered in lady's rooms. However, this phone has been missing since 1987, so small is a relative term. It was small for 1987, but still weighed 3.2 lbs. The phone allowed me to store 4 numbers, as that was the limit on the memory chip. If you could please check, the names in the phone, if it is in fact mine, are, Ronald Reagan, Scott Baio, Michael Hutchence and Sally Kristen Ride. Now that I think about it, it may have been a Motorola phone. Are you sure you did not find a Motorola?

Apology Granted

I have to update my blog. What should I write about??? Hmmmmm, the 'Walking Lady?' No, too boring. Blisters? Too annoying . The Texas Association Against Sexual Assault mug? Not good enough. Mugs! There is the 'Mug it and Love it' campaign at work. That's kind of a hot topic. I could probably get myself in trouble, very political. Thera - Bands! You know what, that might be fun. Do you know what a Thera -Band is? Well, I will tell you. It is a gigantic piece of rubber that can be used to do weight bearing exercise (http://www.thera-band.com/). I have one at my desk and I use it everyday to do some hard core reps, this is why I am super buff.

You know what would be fun!?

To just walk out into the middle of the workplace and start doing Thera - Band exercises. There is a lot of people around the office and I don't know all of them. People would think I was crazy. You know, put on a serious face, like those strange people you see in parks doing Tai Chi by themselves (if you are a person that does Tai Chi by yourself at a park, yes, I just insulted you). Dang, that was mean, I should delete that. Are you still allowed to insult people that do strange things, or is that politically incorrect? Is there a Protection for People Who Do Strange Things lobby in DC? Are you still allowed to insult people that write silly blogs? If so, I expect a wide array of insults!! Come on people, don't hold back. This is your big chance to do what you always wanted. I give you permission! INSULT ME! Just make sure your are clever. I'm off to stand in the middle of the hall with my giant rubber band........See you soon.

Wark

My Uncle is a genius. I'm not just saying this because he is my uncle - he really is a genius. He is one of the world's foremost experts in electromagnetics. You see it all the time in movies now - electromagnetic pulse (EMP) weapons, and such. Being a genius, my uncle does not have to conform to social norms in order to be successful. Hence, he is very unique. One of my favorite stories is that of my uncle and the symphony snobs. I got this story second hand, so, to my brother, if I have made any mistakes please feel free to correct me.

My uncle wrote a symphony, he has written a couple, or maybe just one symphony and the others are piano sonatas. I really don't know as I could not tell the difference between a symphony and a sonata, except that the piece of music to which I refer was played by the New Mexico symphony orchestra, hence, a symphony. Anyway, there was a big event, where the New Mexico Symphony was playing my uncle's music and a grand formal dinner followed. Everyone who was anyone was at the dinner and they wanted to act special and important so they all wanted to meet the man who wrote the music. You know the type that attends a special dinner after a symphony. Think Teresa Heinz Kerry, "Darling, you are so cute with your Toyota and your three bedroom house." So, all of these people were coming up to my uncle and attempting to hob snob with him (does hob snob make any sense?). Unfortunately for them, if my uncle does not find the topic of conversation interesting, and by interesting that means it must pass an IQ test at well over 160, then he says, "Wark." That's his word, "Wark." It means, I am bored with you, please go away. These poor symphony-goers were getting earfuls of Warks, which I'm sure was very perplexing to them, given that they are used to having their bottoms kissed. But, the best part was at the dinner. You can picture it, a formal dinner, immaculate place settings, tuxedo's, beautiful expensive dresses and my uncle in a bollo tie and dirty, old shirt. Well, upon completing his meal, my uncle paid the highest possible honor to the chefs. He picked up his plate and proceeded to lick the remaining juices off of it. Yes, lick the plate. I LOVE IT! "Oh, darling, that man is licking the plate, please do something!" "Pardon me sir, but you are licking the plate!" "Wark, slurp....." Well, as you can see below, his Grand Nephew is following in his footsteps.

Grunge style

Lost item department wide email:
If you have lost or misplaced your Silver Stylus Pen for cell phone use, please see the front desk. Thank you and have a great day!

Reply:

Thank Goodness!

I lost my style awhile back and have not been able to find it!

At first I was at Catholic School and my style was light blue shirt with navy blue pants. Then I went to public high school and that style did not work, so my friend loaned me his style, of rolled up parachute pants and wavy hair. After many years of that style, people began to stare at me so I picked up a new style of jeans, an unbuttoned flannel over an undershirt and a Philadelphia Eagles baseball cap. When Pearl Jam lost their popularity my style was outdated and since then I have been without. I am very happy that you have finally found my style, but I am not sure that my eyes will match with silver. You wouldn't happen to have a green style would you? And what is this about a pen, I ordered some pens awhile back, did they come in?

The Meaning of Night

I guess since I read so many books I should post a little about the ones I really enjoyed. I just finished The Meaning of Night by Micheal Cox. It's a great book, but it is thick and starts very slow, I had to fight through the first 250 pages. However, it was worth the fight. Although every main character does at least one thing so horrific that I would never want to associate with any of them, I found myself engrossed in the story and rooting for a cold blooded killer. In this Victorian England world love is eternal, revenge is essential and death is the meaning of night. I recommend giving it a try.

Georgie Porgie Puddin' 'n Pie

Georgie porgie puddin' and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play.
Georgie porgie ran away.

I heard this more than I care to recount growing up and even up to this day. So, I decided I would find out where the heck it came from.

Turns out that the infamous Georgie Porgie was actually George Villiers, the 1st Duke of Buckingham from 1592 to 1598. Apparently His Lordship, Duke Villiers, was of questionable moral character and had made himself a great deal of enemies among married men in his vicinity. The Duke, however, was a very good friend of King James the First, who protected him from any vengeance. Apparently, George was the kings favorite, with the king calling him his, "Sweet Child and Wife." Weird!

Duke George made a few mistakes in his life and had to be bailed out by King Charles I.

He was also blamed for the disastrous failure (Feb.–Mar., 1625) of an English expedition, under Graf von Mansfeld, to recover the Palatinate for Frederick, the Winter King, Buckingham failed to supply it adequately. By this time Charles had become king, and Buckingham was more powerful than ever, a fact that enraged Parliament. After the embarrassing failure (Oct., 1625) of an expedition against Cádiz, Buckingham was impeached (1626), and Charles dissolved Parliament to prevent his trial. The following year Buckingham led an expedition (another disaster) to relieve the Huguenots of La Rochelle, and Parliament delivered another remonstrance against him. The duke was at Portsmouth preparing yet another expedition for La Rochelle when he was killed by John Felton, a disgruntled naval officer. The romantic aspects of the duke's career figure largely in Alexander Dumas's historical novel, The Three Musketeers. ~ The Columbia Electronic Encyclopedia

Anyway, knowing the history makes me like the rhyme even less.

Waisted time........

Dear George Corrected

My life as Dear George may be short lived as I have been corrected by "Anonymous." This is, I believe the proper response to 'what's up?'.

Actually, in the oneness of all things, there is no "my life" or "your life". There is only "all this stuff" tangled and stuck together like a gummy-worm smush-in. So an appropriate answer to "what's up?" might be something like "this n' that". ~ Anonymous


At first I did not buy the logic that Anonymous used to come to "this and that," but as I thought about it more closely I realized that he or she is correct. Think about what kind of things in peoples lives would qualify as the "what's up" thing that is happening to a person at any give time. i. e. the thing that the individual believes is the most important thing in their life at that time. There is a very finite list of topics.



"What's up?"

~ I'm getting married

"What's up?"

~ I hate my job

"What's up?"

~ I have the gout



You see my point, there is only a finite number of things that are big enough to qualify as the 'one thing' that a person would talk about as being 'the thing' that is up in their life at any particular time. Given that you will most likely tell the same stories as other people over the course of your life and it is only the fact that you happen to be in a different phase that determines the story you tell. It is reasonable to say, as Anonymous does, that we are all in this stuff tangled like gummy worms, but some of us are in the red gummy worm, others of us are in the green gummy worm and still others of us are in the blue gummy worm. Hence, the response of 'this and that,' which could cover any topic in the finite list of topics that qualify as your 'What's Up,' is, I believe, perfect.

Thank you Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous,
Was this blog much too Emo?

Can you read me

I disvocerd a rellay naet tirck. It tnurs out taht wehn you raed words yuor mnid fucoses on the frist and lsat ltteres and olny jsut scnas the ones in the mddile, but deosn't care aobut the order of the ltteers. Hnece, you can undrertsand what I am syaing eevn tohuguh tehse words raelly dno't mkae any sence.

She who must be obeyed

I have a few regular commentors to my blog. One such person has tagged himself or herself the Uxorious One. The Uxorious One has been very positive and even defended me against my nihilist critic. The following comments were posted on July 1st, the "Challenge" blog.

Nihilist: "The response to the commentors critique is more obtuse than crazy. It would certainly make more sense if the quote was presented "a posteriori" to the image. One may object that reversing cause and effect is automatically crazy, but this must be qualified with the intention of blogger. Nothing is crazy if it is designed to be crazy."

"What is seemingly appropriate for this blog and visually verifiable is that anyone leaving their house wearing those shorts is indeed "CRAZY". Also, anytime someone uses the word "obtuse", they are generally being obtuse." ~ Uxorious One

Given that I have at least one friend out in cyberspace, I figured that I should at least know what the heck Uxorious means! So I looked it up;

Uxorious: Excessively fond of ones wife.


I began thinking, who could the Uxorious One be? Is he (I assume) someone I know. I certainly don't know anyone who is excessively fond of their wife, so I scrapped that idea. Then I thought, "you know, I would defend myself by commenting on my own blog, could it be me?" Excessively fond of my wife, no, it's not me........

Honey, wait, honey, I was kidding, you know I'm trying to be funny, it's for the blog.



Excuse me a second.



Honey, come on, you know I love you..... But that couch is so uncomfortable.



But, Yes dear.



Sorry, I have to go.

Squirrels

Growing up in Albuquerque I did not see too many squirrels, it is a different story in Texas. They are everywhere. You hardly go a day without seeing one, often as road kill, but usually running around. If they live in a park that is frequented by people they are usually tame and come up to beg for food. Otherwise they are skittish and usually stay out of your way. However, little known to most people, squirrels are vicious creatures that will do anything to obtain and store their source of food. Woe to those who get in their way!

The first time I crossed a squirrel was when I was hunting for quail in New Mexico. It was giant, long toothed gray squirrel commonly found in the NM mountain forests. I unknowingly invaded it's territory and it attacked. As I was walking under a large evergreen, it dropped an acorn on my head. Actually, dropped is not a strong enough word. It launched a handheld acorn grenade at my head causing severe injury. Fortunately, I had my 12 gauge and was able to defend myself. After successfully defeating the squirrel I limped back to the camp site and cooked it over an open flame to assure that it would not come back as one of the undead vampsquirrels.

Squirrels can take on many different forms, they can even look human. We had an ice squirrel named Tao in our office:

Squirrels spend the warm months collecting and storing nuts and other assorted food stuff to have a supply of food for winter. If you have ever had them sneak into your attic you would see the vast quantities of stuff that they collect. An ice squirrel is a person who gathers and stores ice. No one knows why ice squirrels engage in this strange behavior, but they have been known to have large collections of freezers in order to store their bounty. If you have ever worked with an ice squirrel you would notice that it is difficult to find ice in the community ice bin. Tao is an ice squirrel; if you pay careful attention you can see her loading cups full of ice from the staff kitchen and carting them to her office. Given the vast quantities of ice that she collects on a daily basis it is a mystery as to what happens to the ice once it reaches her office. Some people say that Tao cannot drink liquids, hence she chews on ice for her supply of water. Others say that she has a series of freezers stored in the ceiling. The truth may never be known.

Fortunately for all of us, there are heroes in this world that protect us from these creatures. One such hero is Remy, the Squirrel Slayer. I would personally like to thank Remy and all the other brave knights without whom the world would be a very different place.

Wrangler

Neal beal and horse named Fly wrangled a longhorn and made it cry.

Independence day and a psychedelic video

Just something because

A fly and a flea in a flue.
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, "Let us flee!""Let us fly!", said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

Beans, Beans the musical Fruit.
The more you eat the more you toot.
The more you toot the better you feel.
And that's what give you sex appeal.

Vent

There is no shortage of strange people in the world, I’m sure you would not have to look too far to see them in your daily life. Sometimes, the people are not really strange, but they just do things that can drive you nuts. I have decided today to document some strange people and the things they do around the office.

First, the Tea Lady. She is, let us say, unique. Very short, East Indian woman who wears gigantic, HUGE, glasses and keeps her hair as close to cropped as you can, while still being able to put on brylcreem to slick it down. She is the type who you can smile at in the hall and not get a smile in return. There is one story in particular that I think sums her up. One day an officemate of mine was heating her lunch in the communal microwave. She was sitting next to the microwave and waiting for it to finish. Tea lady walked in, put some water in a cup and placed a tea bag in it. She then opened the microwave while it was still running, pulled out my officemates lunch and placed her cup in for 2 min. When her water was heated she removed her cup and just walked out. Very nice.

Next, the maintenance people and the men’s room. I don’t know for sure why, but all the maintenance people for the building in which I work use the men’s room on my floor. It’s quite annoying; the stalls are always full of maintenance men taking dumps. Not normal dumps, mind you. These are the dumps of; I got a little drunk last night, FOR THE LAST 10 YEARS!!! Makes for a very unpleasant peeing experience. Very nice.

Finally, the coffee guy. I recently gave up one of the loves of my life, Diet Coke. I took up coffee instead. Actually, I have begun to enjoy my morning cup and because of my new habit, I have been going into the office kitchen to get a cup in the morning. There is this guy. I have no idea who he is. He definitely does not work in the department, but he is in our kitchen every morning. He brings with him a giant coffee thermos, the type you see at meetings to fill multiple cups. He takes the part of the coffee maker that you place the paper filters in, sets it on top of his thermos, puts coffee grinds in and proceeds to fill his entire thermos with coffee. It takes him about ½ an hour (I think he must put about three paper filters in because it the water drains in slowly. Hence, when I go to make a pot of coffee I have to wait on this man with his thermos. I believe that there will be future blogs about how I subtly convince coffee guy to move to a different kitchen. MUHAHAHAHAHAA.

Challenge

A few days ago I wrote a post about the things that come to my mind when I heard quote, "I got my friend’s breast milk on my shirt."

I received the following comment from Anonymous:

This post was fairly crazy but not as crazy as it could have been. What detracted from further craziness was, ironically, the quote under disection. Anybody can take an unusual quote and fancy-pants around with a lot of crazy scenario construction. Try doing that with a quote like "would you like fries with that?" and then we'll really separate the lunatics from the clowns.

Thus, having been given this valid Critique, I decided I best comment about what comes to my mind when I hear, "would you like some fries with that?"

Enough said.