Tiger Woods leaves out Jesus in his apology

Jesus is steaming mad and his anger is all directed at one person, Tiger Woods, who, he says, ruined his life. Before the Tiger Woods cheating scandal Jesus Ramirez lead a normal life, he had a wife, six children and three mistresses on the side. But ever since the Tiger scandal made headlines Jesus’ life has changed. “I didn’t used to have to worry about making sure I got the cell phone bill first, I never had to erase my cookies, or empty the trash folder in my email.” Jesus claims that ever since Tiger’s car accident his wife watches his every move. He has had to break up with one of his mistresses, open a post office box and he pays cash for a separate cell phone line. “Mistresses are expensive enough, now I have to pay for a separate phone! Tiger has made my life a living hell,” Jesus says. This story is common across the western world, with scandals like Mark Sanford and Ashley Cole men are finding it harder and harder to juggle their relationships and continue living a normal life. According to Jesus, Tiger has one more apology to make, “Tiger needs to tell me he’s sorry, I mean what the hell was he thinking, everyone knows the four mistress max rule. That bastard is costing me money!” Yes Tiger, it may be time to apologize to all the men whose life you have destroyed, maybe you’ll think about that the next time you are eating hot wings at Hooters.

Tiger Woods Sues PGA

Tiger Woods has filed a lawsuit against the PGA tour claiming that they allow too many attractive women with shorts into their events. A spokesperson for Mr. Woods said, “When you include the promotion girls and the fans there is just too many hotties in skimpy clothing, it makes it difficult for a sex addict to concentrate on his golf.” Tiger ... See moreclaims that the PGA not enforcing a men’s only policy, or at minimum a strict dress code for women has cost him his marriage, millions of dollars in endorsements and multiple PGA championships. “You can’t walk around with your pecker up all day long and expect to have a normal life,” Tiger said, “Sex addicts have rights too.”

Toyota merges with Tonka

In order to waylay consumer fears of poor quality Toyota today announced that it will be merging with Tonka. Toyota CEO Akio Toyoda, hopes that Tonka's reputation of building sturdy yellow trucks will help repair Toyota's damaged reputation. Once thought of as the bastion of quality among car makers, Toyota sales hav...e been hard hit by recent recalls. The newly merged company will be named Tonka Toyota.