Crime Alert Buliten

I work at a university hospital and in order to assure employee and patient safety undesirable people who have no business on hospital property are escorted off by the university police. To promote awareness the university police department sends out Crime Alert Bulletins (called CABs), notifying employees to be on the watch for people that have been cited and escorted off campus. Today, there was a very interesting CAB. It is posted below, the name of the university, hospital and offender have been removed to protect the innocent.

Working Father's Room

In today's society it is important that all things are equal. We no longer are the savages of the past who must succeed or fail based on our God given ability and drive. In fact, I must castigate myself for using the term "God given," for we all are born with the same level of intelligence and drive to succeed given to us by whatever deity we believe in, or none at all. Only the happenstance of the artificial position we are bound to on the societal totem pole leads to differences in ones outward abilities. It is this artificial societal social cast system that allows one person to become rich, while another stays poor and one to succeed as a scientist while another flips burgers. With all our knowledge, all our advancements, all that we have accomplished as a race, how, I ask you, can we allow this outdated synthetic concept of differences among individuals hold us back. Einstein was not special, he was lucky! Michael Phelps is a fraud. If you were given the opportunity to swim 7 hours a day, you too could win eight gold metals. Do I not speak the truth, do you not see that your failures are not to be laid at your feet, but are to be blamed squarely on circumstance? Brick by brick we must tear down this wall that defines us by false standards. Oh, I grant you, humanity has made some strides in the right direction. I give you public education and the US post office as but two of many examples. But we must do more! Many places of work in society are little more than poorly formed institutions based on the outdated, dangerous concept of individual differences. These institutions have separate restrooms for Men and Women, they have cubicles for some and offices for others and they hand out promotions based on competition and productivity! Some even have working Mother's rooms, for breastfeeding Moms, without so much as a thought for working Fathers. Do working Fathers not also want to feed their children and can they not do it as well as Mothers? My friends, we are all the same, should we not be treated equally?

External Hard Drive

Email sent:

Hi all, I have here in my cabinet an external hard drive. I do not know how it got there. It was not there when I left. It is brand new, never been opened (500GB). It was not in a shipping package so I have no way of knowing where it came from. Reggie said she didn't know anything about it either. Please let me know if it belongs to you or you know of someone or a team that is missing one.

Reply:

Could you please give further details on what an 'external hard drive' is? I am an avid golfer, but I have never heard this term used. Also, 'GB' is a term for distance that I am not familiar with, I usually calculate the distance of my drives in yards. Does this have to do with NASCAR? I must confess I do not watch that sport. Also, I think you need to check your usage of the word drive. Is that word not a verb?? You keep referring to drive as if it was a noun, How do you box and take possession of an action? Finally, I think that it is unfair to point out that Reggie knew nothing of this, because I knew nothing either and I can't believe we are the only ones that don't understand.

Thank you for your consideration in clarifying this email.

Truly,

George

WOW I am Nitpicky

I am behind, way behind, I apologize, but I have been spending my evenings watching the Olympics. I think I like the Olympics because of this damn video game I used to play as a kid. I believe it was on the Commodore 64 and was called Summer Olympics, or Summer Games, something like that. I loved that game! It had the Olympic theme song, I thought that was the official, official Olympic theme, but it turns out that there is a different theme song for every Olympics.... WHAT!??!? I did not know this! Well this game had what is by far the best theme song ever for the Olympics and I don't think that any of you can argue this point. It is the one that goes, "dun dun dun dun da da dadle aut. dun dun dun dun dun dun. " Yes, it's the 1984 Los Angeles Olympic theme song composed by John Williams, the guy that wrote the Star Wars and Jaws theme songs. That guy is a genius, seriously, would Star Wars have been nearly as good without the theme song??? Or would Jaws have scared you without his ominous music? I think they should just stop the tradition of making a new theme song for each Olympics and go with the John Williams theme. Again, I don't think anyone can argue that point and I am not biased. This post has absolutely nothing to do with what I intended to write about and that is why the post title makes no sense. It's the Olympics I tell you! Those games have a profound effect on my psyche........ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K90GoFrLvVI

The Beast and The Fairy

Lost would the world be without the protection of brave knights. A jaunt through the rolling hills, only but a short distance from the protective confines of the castle, our brave knight, his noble canine, his fair maiden and the king in the carriage come upon the vicious beast known as Boxer, the hundred pounds. The beast begins to lay waist to the noble canine companion, tearing and dragging at his neck. Our knight goes into action and subdues the evil beast verily dragging it back to the lair from which it escaped. Upon return our noble knight is securing the castle for an evening’s worth of rest and relaxation, when, off of the castle gate flies into his hair the evil fairy, smoky brown the flying roach. Only his words of surprise, "Oh crap," give any hint of fear. For quickly does our noble knight act! Using a discarded door stop does he destroy the evil fairy, leaving green blood to run freely on the castle floor. AH, but soundly do the fair maiden, the noble canine and the King sleep, for our knight is constantly on alert!

Edouard Exclusive Report

You can count on One Crazy Thing A Day to keep on top of important news! Please see the EXCLUSIVE report on Tropical Storm Edouard!

Groop

I have a cold, I hate colds. I guess I could enjoy the rest that a cold allows you, but I really don't want to rest, I want this damn green yucky crap gone! Why is it called a cold anyway?? There has to be a more appropriate name. I kind of like "Groop," it doesn't mean anything else, like cold, which actually means cold, chilly, not warm. I don't feel chilly, I feel groopy so I think groop is a much better name. I also wonder how new terms get introduced and then become common in everyday language. Like "cool," when did people start saying things were cool? AND if cool is a good thing, like, those shoes are cool, why do we use the word cold for such a horribly annoying illness. Both of them are levels of the temperature gradient. Let me see, the temperature gradient, you have cold, cool, just fine, warm and hot. We use cold to talk about this annoying sickness, we use cool to describe things we like, we use warm to say that we are getting closer to something and we use hot to describe attractive members of the opposite sex. I think we are obsessed with temperature, probably because we are obsessed with the weather. No, I don't want to talk about global warming. Apparently, teenagers today have come up with a new term for 'cool,' they say. 'scene.' I assume it refers to scenic and means that something looks or is, good. It is used just like cool, as far as I can tell. If someone gets a new haircut you can tell them, "your hair is scene!" I don't know if this will ever make it into the common vernacular, I guess only the emo kids are using it. Yes, if you don't know what 'emo' means, you are getting old. Back to bed, I have to get rid of this groop.

CRAZY HAIR CHALLENGE!!!

My hair is turning gray, very grey. My Mom was gray by 30, I'm COUGH alittleolderthanthat COUGH, and I have very salt and pepper hair, just recently more salt than pepper. Hence, I believe that it is time to grow it out, let it get real long and stringy and crazy. You know, the mad scientist look. Of course, I do not want to do this alone, so, I am challenging any guy or, girl with short hair, to join me in this quest. If your name is Mike, or Danny, or Spencer, or James, but not Scott, you now know, I have thrown down the gauntlet (or gantlet)!!!

P.S. Yes, i like both the British and American spelling. Couldn't decide which to use, so I went with both.