Squirrels

Growing up in Albuquerque I did not see too many squirrels, it is a different story in Texas. They are everywhere. You hardly go a day without seeing one, often as road kill, but usually running around. If they live in a park that is frequented by people they are usually tame and come up to beg for food. Otherwise they are skittish and usually stay out of your way. However, little known to most people, squirrels are vicious creatures that will do anything to obtain and store their source of food. Woe to those who get in their way!

The first time I crossed a squirrel was when I was hunting for quail in New Mexico. It was giant, long toothed gray squirrel commonly found in the NM mountain forests. I unknowingly invaded it's territory and it attacked. As I was walking under a large evergreen, it dropped an acorn on my head. Actually, dropped is not a strong enough word. It launched a handheld acorn grenade at my head causing severe injury. Fortunately, I had my 12 gauge and was able to defend myself. After successfully defeating the squirrel I limped back to the camp site and cooked it over an open flame to assure that it would not come back as one of the undead vampsquirrels.

Squirrels can take on many different forms, they can even look human. We had an ice squirrel named Tao in our office:

Squirrels spend the warm months collecting and storing nuts and other assorted food stuff to have a supply of food for winter. If you have ever had them sneak into your attic you would see the vast quantities of stuff that they collect. An ice squirrel is a person who gathers and stores ice. No one knows why ice squirrels engage in this strange behavior, but they have been known to have large collections of freezers in order to store their bounty. If you have ever worked with an ice squirrel you would notice that it is difficult to find ice in the community ice bin. Tao is an ice squirrel; if you pay careful attention you can see her loading cups full of ice from the staff kitchen and carting them to her office. Given the vast quantities of ice that she collects on a daily basis it is a mystery as to what happens to the ice once it reaches her office. Some people say that Tao cannot drink liquids, hence she chews on ice for her supply of water. Others say that she has a series of freezers stored in the ceiling. The truth may never be known.

Fortunately for all of us, there are heroes in this world that protect us from these creatures. One such hero is Remy, the Squirrel Slayer. I would personally like to thank Remy and all the other brave knights without whom the world would be a very different place.