Grass

When my house was built the builder made a couple of minor mistakes. Small things that were easily corrected, but they wanted to do me a favor for the inconvenience. After some tough negotiations we decided they could sod my backyard for free. Hence, one day a group of people came over and started putting grass down. I was very happy. However, it was soon apparent that they used pallets of grass that were not 100% St. Augustine (the type of grass commonly used for Houston area yards). Mixed in was some very thin, sort of fluffy, almost weed type grass. Well, I should have immediately realized that this weed grass did not deserve the prime location of my back yard. There was not much of it, but I should have done something to get rid of it immediately. However, my yard would then look thin, not fully green, I would have had patches with no grass for a time. As long as I mowed and kept the grass short, you could not really tell that some of it is weed grass and some of it good St. Augustine. So, I left it. Well, the St. Augustine didn’t do too well in certain areas. I could have spent the extra money to replace it, but it was so much easier to just give those areas to the weed grass and heck, my lawn was still fully green and didn’t look bad as long as I kept it mowed. Now 5 years later, I have continued to give away space in my back yard to the weed grass and my yard is kind of messy. If I let it go for more than one week the weed grass grows like mad and my yard looks like a jungle. My poor little chihuahua gets lost in weed grass whenever he runs in the yard. My yard is ruined. So I have two choices. First, I can just kill all the grass and start from scratch taking care to make sure it grows back as pure, pretty St. Augustine. Second, I can spend $70 a week to have someone mow it. I chose option 2. After all, the weed grass needs a place to live that’s nice! I don’t want it to live only in undeveloped areas, or apartment complexes. The price is a little steep to get the mowers over every week. Hence, I am asking for you, my readers to bail me out. Can you please send me $70 a week? I will set up a paypal account, make it real easy. Thanks in advance!

Letter to Ike

Dear Ike,

I would like to take this opportunity to inform you that I am not happy with your visit to my home. I believe that you owe ME an apology and or/monetary reimbursement. In fact skip the apology, just give me the money. If you must pass the reimbursement through FEMA, that is fine, just as long as I know it came out of your pocket. Below is a list of the traumas that I experienced due to your invasion of my home.

1. I had to take nearly a week off of work.
2. My back hurts, yes, it did hurt before you came, but it hurts in a different place now.
3. I have three power generators, I got them for me and my neighbors and friends, but before I could deliver them my neighbors had power and my friends had a generator of their own.
4. Scratch number 3, I actually have 4 power generators because my brother in Albuquerque got one for me too.
5. I had to learn how to back a trailer up because I had to haul around 3 power generators.
6. I had to watch Geraldo on Fox News.
7. The power generators cost more to operate than the food in my fridge is worth.
8. I had to lift 3 power generators multiple times (see #3).
9. I had to put my fence back up and it's still tipping sideways (see #3).
10. You forced my neighbor into kidnapping his own kids to prove that camping in the backyard of a friends house is not safe.
11. My bathroom smells funny and not the usual kind of funny.
12. I have a curfew.
13. You made my wife curse me.
14. I had to take down plywood from windows that were not my own.
15. My son was not able to play with his toy vacuum while he was in Austin.
16. You made me throw a case of bottled water because I couldn't tie it down in the trailer (see 13).
17. In order to test my power generator I plugged in a lamp without a bulb.
18. I tossed a lamp without a bulb across my living room because it would not light up while attached to the generator (see 13).
19. I got a text message saying that my power was on right before driving home. I was actually upset that my power was on because I had 4 damn generators!
20. My power was not actually on and it is still off.
21. The opossum that lives in my backyard is gone.
22. My son can't sleep with the power generator on because it is too loud, so I have to turn it off.

As you can see this was and continues to be a horrible experience! I think I am going to find a physician to diagnose me with PTSD so I can stick a bigger bill on you. Take that IKE!

Truly,

George

Danglers

Lost item email:

Sent: Tuesday, September 09, 2008 1:19 PM
Subject: A dangle earring (pearl and purple stones) has been lost and found. Please retrieve from front desk if belonging to you. Thank you!

Response:

My ears are danglers. As it is a very rare genetic trait, I doubt there are too many other people in the department with dangle ears. Most likely someone purchased those dangle ear rings without realizing they were for danglers. If no one claims them, I could certainly use one for my left lobe.

Thank you for your kind consideration.

Crime Alert Buliten

I work at a university hospital and in order to assure employee and patient safety undesirable people who have no business on hospital property are escorted off by the university police. To promote awareness the university police department sends out Crime Alert Bulletins (called CABs), notifying employees to be on the watch for people that have been cited and escorted off campus. Today, there was a very interesting CAB. It is posted below, the name of the university, hospital and offender have been removed to protect the innocent.

Working Father's Room

In today's society it is important that all things are equal. We no longer are the savages of the past who must succeed or fail based on our God given ability and drive. In fact, I must castigate myself for using the term "God given," for we all are born with the same level of intelligence and drive to succeed given to us by whatever deity we believe in, or none at all. Only the happenstance of the artificial position we are bound to on the societal totem pole leads to differences in ones outward abilities. It is this artificial societal social cast system that allows one person to become rich, while another stays poor and one to succeed as a scientist while another flips burgers. With all our knowledge, all our advancements, all that we have accomplished as a race, how, I ask you, can we allow this outdated synthetic concept of differences among individuals hold us back. Einstein was not special, he was lucky! Michael Phelps is a fraud. If you were given the opportunity to swim 7 hours a day, you too could win eight gold metals. Do I not speak the truth, do you not see that your failures are not to be laid at your feet, but are to be blamed squarely on circumstance? Brick by brick we must tear down this wall that defines us by false standards. Oh, I grant you, humanity has made some strides in the right direction. I give you public education and the US post office as but two of many examples. But we must do more! Many places of work in society are little more than poorly formed institutions based on the outdated, dangerous concept of individual differences. These institutions have separate restrooms for Men and Women, they have cubicles for some and offices for others and they hand out promotions based on competition and productivity! Some even have working Mother's rooms, for breastfeeding Moms, without so much as a thought for working Fathers. Do working Fathers not also want to feed their children and can they not do it as well as Mothers? My friends, we are all the same, should we not be treated equally?

External Hard Drive

Email sent:

Hi all, I have here in my cabinet an external hard drive. I do not know how it got there. It was not there when I left. It is brand new, never been opened (500GB). It was not in a shipping package so I have no way of knowing where it came from. Reggie said she didn't know anything about it either. Please let me know if it belongs to you or you know of someone or a team that is missing one.

Reply:

Could you please give further details on what an 'external hard drive' is? I am an avid golfer, but I have never heard this term used. Also, 'GB' is a term for distance that I am not familiar with, I usually calculate the distance of my drives in yards. Does this have to do with NASCAR? I must confess I do not watch that sport. Also, I think you need to check your usage of the word drive. Is that word not a verb?? You keep referring to drive as if it was a noun, How do you box and take possession of an action? Finally, I think that it is unfair to point out that Reggie knew nothing of this, because I knew nothing either and I can't believe we are the only ones that don't understand.

Thank you for your consideration in clarifying this email.

Truly,

George

WOW I am Nitpicky

I am behind, way behind, I apologize, but I have been spending my evenings watching the Olympics. I think I like the Olympics because of this damn video game I used to play as a kid. I believe it was on the Commodore 64 and was called Summer Olympics, or Summer Games, something like that. I loved that game! It had the Olympic theme song, I thought that was the official, official Olympic theme, but it turns out that there is a different theme song for every Olympics.... WHAT!??!? I did not know this! Well this game had what is by far the best theme song ever for the Olympics and I don't think that any of you can argue this point. It is the one that goes, "dun dun dun dun da da dadle aut. dun dun dun dun dun dun. " Yes, it's the 1984 Los Angeles Olympic theme song composed by John Williams, the guy that wrote the Star Wars and Jaws theme songs. That guy is a genius, seriously, would Star Wars have been nearly as good without the theme song??? Or would Jaws have scared you without his ominous music? I think they should just stop the tradition of making a new theme song for each Olympics and go with the John Williams theme. Again, I don't think anyone can argue that point and I am not biased. This post has absolutely nothing to do with what I intended to write about and that is why the post title makes no sense. It's the Olympics I tell you! Those games have a profound effect on my psyche........ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K90GoFrLvVI