Mysterious, very mysterious

Someone got me good! I give her props. Some background info, the Adopt a Family refereed to in the following emails is a yearly fundraising drive. Notice that in 1/2 an hour 14 people voted (about 20% of the department) and I got 50% of the votes! My reputation is getting the better of me.

Email 1:

At one time, a nice colleague borrowed a book of mine entitled "Practitioner's Guide to Empirically-Based Measures of Anxiety." That book has not been returned to my shelf, and I cannot recall who that nice colleague was. If you know of this nice colleague (or you are this nice colleague), would you mind returning my book? You can do it anonymously by placing it in my mailbox or the box outside my door, and your identity can remain a mystery…

Thanks,
Cindy


Email 2 (response from me):

I looked around and found the book in Danny Hughes office. I promptly took it from him and went to your door. It sounded like you were busy, so, instead of knocking I placed it in your mailbox. We need to keep Danny on a tighter leash!

George

Email 3:

The mystery person identified himself!

So, in the spirit of Adopt-a-Family, I will donate 25 bucks in the name of the person who can guess the culprit.

I will provide some clues to aid in your guess (there are 2 people in the department not allowed to guess - one is the culprit himself, the other is the person he tried to blame the indiscretion on).

This person is probably well-known throughout the department. He clearly works hard, but has made it known that he likes to "play." Thankfully, he has a wife who grounds him, but sometimes seems to support his creative side. He can be very calculating, but not in a deceitful way.

Who is he?


Email 4:

Early voting turn-outs were slim.

The votes cast were for:

George Baum - 1111111
Brian Carter - 11
Danny Hughes - 11
Paul Cinciripini - 1
Alex Prokhorov - 1
Lorenzo Cohen - 1



And the culprit was:



George Baum!!!! (even though he was asked several times if he had the book)

So, in the name of Stacie Scruggs (who answered correctly within seconds of me sending the email), I will donate $25 to Adopt-A-Family!

Cindy

GET OUT OF MY HEAD CHARLIE TESSMAN!

You know how you remember random things from your childhood. Well, I can't slpell worth a darn, never have been abull too, can't get my infantessimle netwurk of grey matter to grasp anything by a phonetic representation of words. However, there was one word I could spell since I was a little kid. Mississippi, yes M I S S I S S I P P I!!! It was my word, I could spell it before any of the other kids in school. Then, one day in fifth grade Mrs. Veramontez says, "class, one of the students has something special to show you today, he can spell Mississippi." WHAT, that's my word, everyone knows that is my word, I have been bragging about spelling it for two years, she must be going to ask me to spell it..... "Charlie Tessman, could you please spell it for us?" So he did, Charlie Tessman spelled Mississippi and he didn't miss a letter. Oh, the smug look on that punk's face. I will never forgive you for that Charlie Tessman! You are eternally on my shet list. Oh the pain it causes just thinking about it. MY WORD!!!

Meltdown

I haven't been feeling funny lately, but I have a joke for ya.

What do you call it when you loan a bunch of people a bunch of money that they can't afford to pay back?

- The Greater Depression! HA!

Still not funny. Dangit.

Grass

When my house was built the builder made a couple of minor mistakes. Small things that were easily corrected, but they wanted to do me a favor for the inconvenience. After some tough negotiations we decided they could sod my backyard for free. Hence, one day a group of people came over and started putting grass down. I was very happy. However, it was soon apparent that they used pallets of grass that were not 100% St. Augustine (the type of grass commonly used for Houston area yards). Mixed in was some very thin, sort of fluffy, almost weed type grass. Well, I should have immediately realized that this weed grass did not deserve the prime location of my back yard. There was not much of it, but I should have done something to get rid of it immediately. However, my yard would then look thin, not fully green, I would have had patches with no grass for a time. As long as I mowed and kept the grass short, you could not really tell that some of it is weed grass and some of it good St. Augustine. So, I left it. Well, the St. Augustine didn’t do too well in certain areas. I could have spent the extra money to replace it, but it was so much easier to just give those areas to the weed grass and heck, my lawn was still fully green and didn’t look bad as long as I kept it mowed. Now 5 years later, I have continued to give away space in my back yard to the weed grass and my yard is kind of messy. If I let it go for more than one week the weed grass grows like mad and my yard looks like a jungle. My poor little chihuahua gets lost in weed grass whenever he runs in the yard. My yard is ruined. So I have two choices. First, I can just kill all the grass and start from scratch taking care to make sure it grows back as pure, pretty St. Augustine. Second, I can spend $70 a week to have someone mow it. I chose option 2. After all, the weed grass needs a place to live that’s nice! I don’t want it to live only in undeveloped areas, or apartment complexes. The price is a little steep to get the mowers over every week. Hence, I am asking for you, my readers to bail me out. Can you please send me $70 a week? I will set up a paypal account, make it real easy. Thanks in advance!

Letter to Ike

Dear Ike,

I would like to take this opportunity to inform you that I am not happy with your visit to my home. I believe that you owe ME an apology and or/monetary reimbursement. In fact skip the apology, just give me the money. If you must pass the reimbursement through FEMA, that is fine, just as long as I know it came out of your pocket. Below is a list of the traumas that I experienced due to your invasion of my home.

1. I had to take nearly a week off of work.
2. My back hurts, yes, it did hurt before you came, but it hurts in a different place now.
3. I have three power generators, I got them for me and my neighbors and friends, but before I could deliver them my neighbors had power and my friends had a generator of their own.
4. Scratch number 3, I actually have 4 power generators because my brother in Albuquerque got one for me too.
5. I had to learn how to back a trailer up because I had to haul around 3 power generators.
6. I had to watch Geraldo on Fox News.
7. The power generators cost more to operate than the food in my fridge is worth.
8. I had to lift 3 power generators multiple times (see #3).
9. I had to put my fence back up and it's still tipping sideways (see #3).
10. You forced my neighbor into kidnapping his own kids to prove that camping in the backyard of a friends house is not safe.
11. My bathroom smells funny and not the usual kind of funny.
12. I have a curfew.
13. You made my wife curse me.
14. I had to take down plywood from windows that were not my own.
15. My son was not able to play with his toy vacuum while he was in Austin.
16. You made me throw a case of bottled water because I couldn't tie it down in the trailer (see 13).
17. In order to test my power generator I plugged in a lamp without a bulb.
18. I tossed a lamp without a bulb across my living room because it would not light up while attached to the generator (see 13).
19. I got a text message saying that my power was on right before driving home. I was actually upset that my power was on because I had 4 damn generators!
20. My power was not actually on and it is still off.
21. The opossum that lives in my backyard is gone.
22. My son can't sleep with the power generator on because it is too loud, so I have to turn it off.

As you can see this was and continues to be a horrible experience! I think I am going to find a physician to diagnose me with PTSD so I can stick a bigger bill on you. Take that IKE!

Truly,

George

Danglers

Lost item email:

Sent: Tuesday, September 09, 2008 1:19 PM
Subject: A dangle earring (pearl and purple stones) has been lost and found. Please retrieve from front desk if belonging to you. Thank you!

Response:

My ears are danglers. As it is a very rare genetic trait, I doubt there are too many other people in the department with dangle ears. Most likely someone purchased those dangle ear rings without realizing they were for danglers. If no one claims them, I could certainly use one for my left lobe.

Thank you for your kind consideration.

Crime Alert Buliten

I work at a university hospital and in order to assure employee and patient safety undesirable people who have no business on hospital property are escorted off by the university police. To promote awareness the university police department sends out Crime Alert Bulletins (called CABs), notifying employees to be on the watch for people that have been cited and escorted off campus. Today, there was a very interesting CAB. It is posted below, the name of the university, hospital and offender have been removed to protect the innocent.