Tiger Woods leaves out Jesus in his apology

Jesus is steaming mad and his anger is all directed at one person, Tiger Woods, who, he says, ruined his life. Before the Tiger Woods cheating scandal Jesus Ramirez lead a normal life, he had a wife, six children and three mistresses on the side. But ever since the Tiger scandal made headlines Jesus’ life has changed. “I didn’t used to have to worry about making sure I got the cell phone bill first, I never had to erase my cookies, or empty the trash folder in my email.” Jesus claims that ever since Tiger’s car accident his wife watches his every move. He has had to break up with one of his mistresses, open a post office box and he pays cash for a separate cell phone line. “Mistresses are expensive enough, now I have to pay for a separate phone! Tiger has made my life a living hell,” Jesus says. This story is common across the western world, with scandals like Mark Sanford and Ashley Cole men are finding it harder and harder to juggle their relationships and continue living a normal life. According to Jesus, Tiger has one more apology to make, “Tiger needs to tell me he’s sorry, I mean what the hell was he thinking, everyone knows the four mistress max rule. That bastard is costing me money!” Yes Tiger, it may be time to apologize to all the men whose life you have destroyed, maybe you’ll think about that the next time you are eating hot wings at Hooters.

Tiger Woods Sues PGA

Tiger Woods has filed a lawsuit against the PGA tour claiming that they allow too many attractive women with shorts into their events. A spokesperson for Mr. Woods said, “When you include the promotion girls and the fans there is just too many hotties in skimpy clothing, it makes it difficult for a sex addict to concentrate on his golf.” Tiger ... See moreclaims that the PGA not enforcing a men’s only policy, or at minimum a strict dress code for women has cost him his marriage, millions of dollars in endorsements and multiple PGA championships. “You can’t walk around with your pecker up all day long and expect to have a normal life,” Tiger said, “Sex addicts have rights too.”

Toyota merges with Tonka

In order to waylay consumer fears of poor quality Toyota today announced that it will be merging with Tonka. Toyota CEO Akio Toyoda, hopes that Tonka's reputation of building sturdy yellow trucks will help repair Toyota's damaged reputation. Once thought of as the bastion of quality among car makers, Toyota sales hav...e been hard hit by recent recalls. The newly merged company will be named Tonka Toyota.

Mysterious, very mysterious

Someone got me good! I give her props. Some background info, the Adopt a Family refereed to in the following emails is a yearly fundraising drive. Notice that in 1/2 an hour 14 people voted (about 20% of the department) and I got 50% of the votes! My reputation is getting the better of me.

Email 1:

At one time, a nice colleague borrowed a book of mine entitled "Practitioner's Guide to Empirically-Based Measures of Anxiety." That book has not been returned to my shelf, and I cannot recall who that nice colleague was. If you know of this nice colleague (or you are this nice colleague), would you mind returning my book? You can do it anonymously by placing it in my mailbox or the box outside my door, and your identity can remain a mystery…

Thanks,
Cindy


Email 2 (response from me):

I looked around and found the book in Danny Hughes office. I promptly took it from him and went to your door. It sounded like you were busy, so, instead of knocking I placed it in your mailbox. We need to keep Danny on a tighter leash!

George

Email 3:

The mystery person identified himself!

So, in the spirit of Adopt-a-Family, I will donate 25 bucks in the name of the person who can guess the culprit.

I will provide some clues to aid in your guess (there are 2 people in the department not allowed to guess - one is the culprit himself, the other is the person he tried to blame the indiscretion on).

This person is probably well-known throughout the department. He clearly works hard, but has made it known that he likes to "play." Thankfully, he has a wife who grounds him, but sometimes seems to support his creative side. He can be very calculating, but not in a deceitful way.

Who is he?


Email 4:

Early voting turn-outs were slim.

The votes cast were for:

George Baum - 1111111
Brian Carter - 11
Danny Hughes - 11
Paul Cinciripini - 1
Alex Prokhorov - 1
Lorenzo Cohen - 1



And the culprit was:



George Baum!!!! (even though he was asked several times if he had the book)

So, in the name of Stacie Scruggs (who answered correctly within seconds of me sending the email), I will donate $25 to Adopt-A-Family!

Cindy

GET OUT OF MY HEAD CHARLIE TESSMAN!

You know how you remember random things from your childhood. Well, I can't slpell worth a darn, never have been abull too, can't get my infantessimle netwurk of grey matter to grasp anything by a phonetic representation of words. However, there was one word I could spell since I was a little kid. Mississippi, yes M I S S I S S I P P I!!! It was my word, I could spell it before any of the other kids in school. Then, one day in fifth grade Mrs. Veramontez says, "class, one of the students has something special to show you today, he can spell Mississippi." WHAT, that's my word, everyone knows that is my word, I have been bragging about spelling it for two years, she must be going to ask me to spell it..... "Charlie Tessman, could you please spell it for us?" So he did, Charlie Tessman spelled Mississippi and he didn't miss a letter. Oh, the smug look on that punk's face. I will never forgive you for that Charlie Tessman! You are eternally on my shet list. Oh the pain it causes just thinking about it. MY WORD!!!

Meltdown

I haven't been feeling funny lately, but I have a joke for ya.

What do you call it when you loan a bunch of people a bunch of money that they can't afford to pay back?

- The Greater Depression! HA!

Still not funny. Dangit.

Grass

When my house was built the builder made a couple of minor mistakes. Small things that were easily corrected, but they wanted to do me a favor for the inconvenience. After some tough negotiations we decided they could sod my backyard for free. Hence, one day a group of people came over and started putting grass down. I was very happy. However, it was soon apparent that they used pallets of grass that were not 100% St. Augustine (the type of grass commonly used for Houston area yards). Mixed in was some very thin, sort of fluffy, almost weed type grass. Well, I should have immediately realized that this weed grass did not deserve the prime location of my back yard. There was not much of it, but I should have done something to get rid of it immediately. However, my yard would then look thin, not fully green, I would have had patches with no grass for a time. As long as I mowed and kept the grass short, you could not really tell that some of it is weed grass and some of it good St. Augustine. So, I left it. Well, the St. Augustine didn’t do too well in certain areas. I could have spent the extra money to replace it, but it was so much easier to just give those areas to the weed grass and heck, my lawn was still fully green and didn’t look bad as long as I kept it mowed. Now 5 years later, I have continued to give away space in my back yard to the weed grass and my yard is kind of messy. If I let it go for more than one week the weed grass grows like mad and my yard looks like a jungle. My poor little chihuahua gets lost in weed grass whenever he runs in the yard. My yard is ruined. So I have two choices. First, I can just kill all the grass and start from scratch taking care to make sure it grows back as pure, pretty St. Augustine. Second, I can spend $70 a week to have someone mow it. I chose option 2. After all, the weed grass needs a place to live that’s nice! I don’t want it to live only in undeveloped areas, or apartment complexes. The price is a little steep to get the mowers over every week. Hence, I am asking for you, my readers to bail me out. Can you please send me $70 a week? I will set up a paypal account, make it real easy. Thanks in advance!